Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
