So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
