Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
