Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
