My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
