anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
