I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
