I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
