Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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