I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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