fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
