I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
where are my eyebrows?
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