12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
