new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
