I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
