Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
