I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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