I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
