Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize