I think I won the penis lottery.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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