I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
