I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
