She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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