hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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