Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
