don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This baby is an asshole
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
