Where is the hickey?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
