My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
