he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
