After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
