I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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