she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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