you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
