i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
