You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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