this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
