I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize
