She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
