Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
