he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
