the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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