Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
