just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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