i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
