I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So much rum. So many feels.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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