I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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