I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
