i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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