My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
