Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
