1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He did a backflip because drugs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
