physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
