i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
