worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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