I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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